Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
My feet surprised me
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