I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
