Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
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