I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
