It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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