You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Randomize
