So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
