my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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