You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
