i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
