I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
