I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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