then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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