Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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