I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
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