why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
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