like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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