she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
