all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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