sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
