I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
