Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
