I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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