just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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