I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
