some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
