Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
