at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
