a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
It was confusing and full of hummus
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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