He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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