she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
