Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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