I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
