oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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