There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
