She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
