Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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