remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
