and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
