did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
