Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
