It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Me. At least after what I've been through.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
