You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
