She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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