I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
