So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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