I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Randomize
