My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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