the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
