Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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