and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
