how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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