Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
