the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Drake has all the answers
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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