my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
