I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
