I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
