just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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