I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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