I need to stop coming to work sober
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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